My Immortal: Rachel's Story
by Davidsonofinga
Summary: Rachel battles Enoby Way and does a bunch of other things. WARNING: given the nature of My Immortal, may contain lemons.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Special fangz to XXXbloodyrists666XXX for writing the original version of this. Many lulz were had. THX.**

 **BTW this story takes place around 2006, when the original fanfic was made.**

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My name is Rachel Lee.

Knowing the nature of the world I live in, you probably want to know how I look. Okay, so I have short black hair with red and purple streaks that reaches my lower neck. I'm a half-blood that goes to Hogwarts. There, I'm a sixth-year student (I'm 16.) I'm a goth, and I wear mostly black stuff. I enjoy shopping at Ipso Facto and buy a lot of what I wear from that place.

At this moment I'm wearing a black Type O Negative tee, a black leather miniskirt, black & white striped thigh socks, and black combat boots. Also, I have on black eyeliner and black lipstick.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm walking around the Hogwarts campus. It was snowing. Anyway, I'm just minding my own business, when some girl who looks like me with longer, straighter hair, is dressed a lot like me but with a corset and pink fishnets on instead of a t-shirt and black thigh socks, waves her hand at me.

"Hey," I say, politely waving back. The girl approaches me. It's all fine and dandy until she opens her mouth:

"Hi mai nam iz Enoby Darkness Dementia Raven Way an Im a goffik vampire. I like slitting my ristz an lisening 2 GC an MCR."

I give her a shocked, bemused look. "Urrrm...kay?" I respond, "My name's Rachel. Rachel Lee. I'm a goth too. But those bands you mentioned...they're not exactly goth, sorry to say."

"OMFG SHUT DA FUK UP U FUKIN POSER!" she screams, "I BET UR AN AVRIL LAVEEN FANGURL, U FUCN PREP!"

"Okay, HOW am I a poser?" I Asked, "the green circle with a green minus sign in it on my shirt? that's the logo for Type O Negative. They're a goth-metal band."

"WHO DA FUK R TYP O NAGATIV?" she yelled, "I BET DEY SUND LIK AVRL LAVINE!"

"Sorry, I have to go," I tell her, feeling like I couldn't reason with her. I Walk away, leaving her standing there, clueless. "HAY! CUM BAK POSER!," she screams. She then flips me off. I ignore her.

"Hey Rachel," said a voice. I looked around. It was Roger Davies, a fellow Ravenclaw and a 7th-Year.

"Sup?," I asked. "I'm impressed," said Roger, "I've never seen anyone stand up to Enoby before. You deserve a medal."


	2. Ch2: Enoby luvs Draco

**AN: early chapter.**

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The next day, in the Ravenclaw 6th year girls dorm, I woke up in my bedroom. It was still snowing. I rolled out of my bed and drank some strawberry quik. I took off my XL Neuroticfish tee I used for pajamas, and put on a black Sisters of Mercy tee, a black leather miniskirt, a pentagram choker, black and white striped thigh socks, and the same combat boots I wear all the time.

I went out of the Ravenclaw common room and into the great hall. Fuck. Enoby's there.

"No I so fucng dnut," she shouted.

"Yeah right," exclaimed her friend. Just then, Draco walked up to Enoby.

"Hello," said Draco.

"Hi," Enoby replied sexily.

"Guess what." said Draco.

"Wut?," asked Enoby.

"Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade," he told her. He then proceeded to mumble something among the lines of "fucking mudbloods..."

Anyway, I hate Draco's guts. He's elitist, vindictive, bloodist, cowardly, spoiled rotten...I could go on. And he's apparently dating the same girl who called me a poser prep.

"Oh. Mai. Fucen. Satan!" screamed Enoby.

"Well…. do you want to go with me or not?" he asked impatiently.

Enoby gasped.

I drank another bottle of strawberry quik and slammed my head into the table. This is gonna be fun *sarcasm*


	3. Ch3: at da GC concert

**AN: Enoby and Draco suck at magic dueling. They also bomb at Victor Krum ICWQC Tour 2006**

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That night, I went outside and got into my flying purple Cadillac (license plate TYPONGTV) and flew off to Hogsmeade. When I got there, I saw, unsurprisingly, Draco and Enoby. Draco was wearing what appeared to be a Simple Plan tee, baggy black over-the-foot skater pants, and eyeliner. Enoby had on a black minidress, arm-fishnets, red leg-fishnets, and black lace-up high-heeled boots. They smelled of crack, weed, and cigarettes. Just then, Good Charlotte took the stage and began performing. The dreaded duo started moshing.

" ** _You come in cold, covered in blood_**  
 ** _they're all so happy you arrived_**  
 ** _the doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom_**  
 ** _she sets you free into this life_** " sang Joel [lyrics (c) Joel and Benji Madden]

"Joel is so fucking hot" said Enoby to Draco, pointing to Joel as the Inland Empire Bro continued singing "the Chronicles of Life and Death" to the sweet sounds of his band. I Smirked.

"He's certainly not the bishie goth boy you think he is," I uttered, struggling to contain my amusement. Suddenly, Enoby turned to me.

"FUK U POSER I BET U LYK DA FAK HES DATIN DAT TODEL SLUT HILARY DUF! DAT IZ SO UNFAIR!"

I Cringed, partially because of Enoby's sudden reaction, but also because she thought I was a fan of Hilary Duff just because I didn't have the same cliquish emo kid mindset as her. I then crossed my arms and gave her a stern look. Enoby gulped.

"DARKO! CROOKSHANKS DAT BICH!"

"Expelliarmus," I shouted, whipping out and pointing my wand at Draco. Draco's wand fell out his hand. Enoby pulled out her shockingly stunted wand. I did the same to her. Enoby picked up her wand, as did Draco, and they left, cranky and defeated. "Cum on Darko, let's go mete Joel an Benjy an stuff," said Enoby, as the two walked off. I smacked myself in the face. How could both of these dreaded, influential Slytherins be so pathetically easy to defeat? I mean, I'm a skilled duelist, but these two were so easy, a house-elf with Avoidant Personality Disorder could defeat both of them at once. Maybe even a single battle droid.

After that, I drank a butterbeer and went back to my flying Cadillac, and drove into the Forbidden Forest.


	4. Ch4: forbidden forest escapades

**AN: no AN this chapter.**

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The minute I parked in some part of the forbidden forest, I could hear moaning. Gods freakin damnit, it must be Enoby. I approach the noise with caution. As I got closer, the moans got louder. then, I saw it...

Enoby and Draco were, sure enough, naked in the forest and having sex. Enoby was against a tree, her back most likely chafing into the bark. His pureblood manhood was in her cold, vampiric abyssal hole. they didn't look like they were using any sort of protection.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" screamed Enoby. Draco started to kiss her cold, pale body everywhere. Suddenly, someone snapped:

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

It was...me.


	5. CH5: boring phonecalls and WTF MFRs

**AN: not this time.**

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"Okay, what the fucking hell are you two doing in the Forbidden Forest?" I demanded.

"We wur halfn SEX, u prood!" yelled Enoby.

"I don't care," I snapped back, "do it somewhere else."

I stormed off angrily, leaving the poor (rich?) bastards to their own devices. I whipped out my Telstra Hiptop 2, and called a friend.

[PHONE CALL SCENE]

?: Hello?

Me: Hey, it's me, Rachel

?: what's new?

Me: not much.

?: anything on those two jackasses?

Me: Shit. They're in the Forbidden Forest, fucking away.

[pause]

In the distance, I could hear what sounded like an old man yelling "what the hell are you doing motherfuckers?"

[back to phone call]

Me: that's all, gotta go. bye.

?: Bye Rache.

[end phone call]

I hung up, got into my flying car, and flew off.

When I returned to Hogwarts, I went back through the Ravenclaw common room, entered my room, changed into an XL OOMPH! tee, drank a glass of strawberry quik, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. what a fucking night.


	6. CH6: Gary

**AN: Gary is partially a self-insert. Sorry.**

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The next day, I woke up and put on a black, slightly ripped miniskirt, a Stone 588 tee, and the same combat boots as always.

In the great hall, I ate some Count Chocula with a large cup of Strawberry Quik on the side (i take a small swig with every bite). Just then, somebody walked up to me.

"Hello?," I asked, looking up.

It was my best friend Gary Lector. He was wearing eyeliner, red dye streaks in his short, thick brunette hair, a dark red Shadow the Hedgehog tee, black jeans, and black and red FILA sneakers. He also was carrying two wands with him.

I've known Gary since we were both first-years. Unfortunately for both of us, he was sorted into Slytherin. This was particularly hard on him, considering he is muggle-born, which meant a shit-ton of bullying at the hands of his blood purity obsessed peers. But that's enough exposition for now.

"Hey Rachel," said Gary.

"What are you doing here so early?" I asked.

"Just checking on my best friend," he responded, "Also, Draco and Enoby were being jerks, so naturally, I decided to run to you."

"That's unfortunate," I said, unsurprised.

"Indeed," he said.

We decided to talk for a while longer. Then we had to go our separate ways, since it was time to go to our classes.


	7. Ch7: Enoby and Draco

**AN: we move away from our hero for a chapter to focus on the delinquent duo, Enoby and Draco.**

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Draco and Enoby held hands as they went upstairs from the Great Hall. Enoby was wearing a black partially ripped miniskirt, a matching top with black skulls all over it, and black high-heeled boots. She had on two pairs of skull earrings, and black nail polish with red inverted pentagrams painted on said nails. She waved at Harry. Cold hatred emmanated from his body and soul. "One fateful day, I will eradicate the fuck out of you," he muttered.

Enoby and Draco started frenching passionately and took off each others clothes enthusiatically. Draco felt Enoby up before she took her shirt off. Then she took off her black bra and he took off his pants. They went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his knob in her crotch-slob and they HAD SEX (c is dat stooped?)

"Oh Darko, DARKO!" screamed Enoby while getting an orgasm. Suddenly, she hallucinated, seeing a tattoo on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody nu-metal writing was the word "Vampire."

"U BESTRD!" she shouted angrily, pulling herself off and jumping off the bed.

Draco looked up, puzzled. "Damnit Enoby, get back on my dick and let's finish this shit."

"NO U FAKN IDOT," shouted Enoby, "U PROBLI 1/2 AIDS ANYWAY."

Enoby put on her clothes huffily and then stomped out. Draco peed in a nearby toilet, got dressed, and chased after her. Enoby continued stomping until she was in the potions class. Gary was having a lesson with Professor Snap and some others.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!," yelled Enoby.


	8. CH8: Who's Vampire?

**AN: More Enoby/Draco shit.**

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Gary stared at Enoby, perplexed. A Bunch of others did, too, probably because of the noise. "Who's Vampire Potter," asked Gary, "I know of HARRY Potter, but not this 'Vampire' guy."

Just then, Draco ran in. "Enoby, you're thinking like one of those stupid Gryffindors," he said sternly, "calm down."

"What is going on, students?," said Snape in his cold, detatched voice. Enoby ignored him.

"Vampire, I cnt balev u chetid on me!," yelled Enoby.

The entire room, with the notable exceptions of Enoby, Snape, and Gary, burst into uproarious laughter.

Gary facepalmed. "Again, who's Vampire?"

"I'm certainly not going out with him, or that impure shitstain Harry," snarled Draco.

"YA FUCCIN RITE! FUK OF U BASARD!" screamed Enoby. She ran out the room and into the Forbidden Forest and burst into tears.


	9. CH9: Voldemort Arrives

**AN: We now return to Rachel's story.**

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I happened to be in the Forbidden Forest the same time Enoby ran there, bawling her pitiful ice-blue eyes out.

Why, you ask? I'm learning how to properly communicate with acromantulas from Hagrid. His pet acromantula, Aragog, and I were struggling to have a basic conversation when this happened.

"It's okay guys," said Hagrid, "It's only Enoby."

"Yeah, I can tell by the loud, squeaky voice," I responded.

"I hate crying emos," interjected Aragog.

Suddenly, an bald, pale, skinny man with red eyes, a long black robe, and no nose apparated into the area. I instantly recognized the man as Voldemort, and drew my wand defensively.

"Imperio!," shouted Voldemort, aiming at me.

"Protego horribilis," I shouted back, blocking the curse.

"CROOKSHANKS!," yelled a voice. Voldemort screamed in utter agony while strongly attempting to resist the curse. The person who cast it, Enoby, then lifted the spell about 10 seconds afterwards because she felt bad for him.

"Enoby..." uttered the weakened Voldemort, "...you must kill Harry Potter."

Enoby began daydreaming. I just stood there. Why attack somebody when his back is turned? Even IF it is the dark lord himself?

"No, Voldemort!" Shouted Enoby, "PLEEZ!"

"If you do not," said Voldemort in a calm, threatening voice, "You would be nothing more than a pitiful fool, and Draco will die as well."

"How did u no?," asked Enoby, surprised.

Voldemort got a very stern, focused look on his face. "His father works for me," he answered coldly, "And I know he means very much to the both of you. If Harry is not disposed of, I shall kill Draco." He then apparated out of the forest.

Enoby stood there, frozen with fear. Just then, Draco came into the woods.

"Well, Hello there, Enoby," said Draco, feigning politeness.

"Hi," said Enoby."

"Are you okay?" asked Draco, sincerely this time.

"No," said Enoby, "An I'm soree I got all mad at yoo butt I fot u chetid on me."

"...Sorry you feel that way," said Draco. They walked back to Hogwarts while making out. I turned to Aragog.

"...so where were we?," I asked the acromantula.


	10. CH10: Dementor Souls

**AN: Harry and Dumbledore are based off their 30H's/30R's incarnations. However, Bumblescorp still keeps the name XXXbloodyrists666XXX used in My Immortal.**

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Judging by the look on her face and her complete lack of motion until Draco approached her, Enoby must have been REALLY scared about Voldemort. I will admit, he is scary to me, too. He means business.

Anyway, Later that day, I went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Dementor Souls. I'm the lead singer. Harry plays the Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, and hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. Gary plays a 6-string bass. He calls it "Lacuna." Hagrid drums. Hermione plays a synthesizer. Gary says we sound like a combination of Type O Negative, Razed in Black, and Primus.

Unfortunately, Harry couldn't make it today; probably busy killing death eaters with Dobby or watching some "deep" film like Fight Club with Rape Radbury, so we wrote songs instead. By the way, I was wearing a Christian Death tee, a matching miniskirt that said Southern Death Cult on the butt, black and white striped thigh socks, and...the same boots I always wear.

We were performing a cover of Razed in Black's "Leave it all behind" and at the end of the song I panicked.

"Rachel! Are you OK?" asked Gary in a concerned voice.

"I dunno-," I stammered, trying to calm down. When I did, I said "Voldemort's back. He's really, really back. I encountered him, and so did my rival - you all probably know her by now."

"Enoby?" asked Gary.

"Yep," I responded, "And he told her to kill Harry. She was extremely reluctant to, but still, we have to protect him. Harry may be highly powerful, but Voldemort's feared world-over."

we practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly, Dumblydore walked in. With a plate of tea and chumpits. "Care to have some tea, guys?," asked Dumblydore.

"Ooo I'd love some, thank you," I replied, getting myself some. The others followed.


	11. CH11: Snap and Loopin's demented debut

**AN: Snap and Loopin would normally go after Enoby, but considering who's story this is, I thought it would make more sense to have Rachel be their target. The demented duo don't discriminate.**

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After having some tea and chumpits, I decided to call it a night and went off to my room.

When I got there, I took a bath and put on a Christian Death mix. After the bath, I put on a black low-cut dress and black and purple heels. Then I looked out the window, and beheld a sight that almost made my heart stop.

It was Snap, attempting to video me for some reason. Loopin was there too, masticating. They were sitting on quidditch-grade brooms.

"GO AWAY," I screamed, shutting the window curtain. Suddenly, Gary ran in.

"Stupefy!" he yelled at Snap and Loopin, pointing his left wand at Snap and his right wand at Loopin. The poor bastards lost consciousness and fell off their quidditch brooms.

PLIKK! The camera broke.

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Rachel, it has been revealed that-" he said, but then he looked down at Snap and Loopin. "Well, that's unfortunate," he said apathetically. I went to the window and looked down at the scene.

Hagrid approached the demented duo. "Snap, Loopin," he said in a rather matter-of-fact tone, "We need to talk."

"What do you know, Hagrid?" asked Snap, "You're just a mere gatekeeper."

"I May be a gatekeeper," Hagrid paused firmly, "But I am also one of Dumblydore's affiliates."

"Feh," responded Snap monotonously, "Dumblydore. What a ponce."

Loopin held up the camera. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I fainted.

"Why are you doing this?" asked Loopin.

"Because..." said Hagrid. Aragog appeared by his side, grumbling an emo-grunge version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Because you're goffik?" sneered Snap.

"BECAUSE SHE'S MY FRIEND!"


	12. CH12: Harry's Demons

**AN: yes, I am aware it should be "Voldemort has him in bondage." It's just funnier the way OP spelt it.**

 **BTW, is you're desperate to know what Harry's wearing, he has on a light blue tee, a red jacket, blue jeans, and black converses. Also, Fuckslayer resides on his back. Peace.**

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I was lounging around my room, reading Tales From The Dark Tower, when suddenly, Harry arrived. "My fucking scar hurts," he muttered, pressing his hand against the lightning-bolt scar on his forehead. Then he fainted.

When he got back up, I asked him what happened.

"I had a vision of what's happening to Dobby...VOLFEMORT HAS HIM BONDAGE!"

Later, Harry and I were outside on one of the bridges. I was wearing a Gene Loves Jezebel tee, a black miniskirt, black and white thigh socks, and the same combat boots I wear all the time. Gary was there too. He had on a NERV tee, black jeans, and black and red FILAs. Harry couldn't give two shits about either of our presences. As a matter of fact, he probably reviled the fact that I went into detail about what we were wearing.

"Hey, Rache," said Gary, "I brought you a comic."

I looked at it. It was Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth. My eyes widened. My mouth fell open with joy. "...THANK YOU!" I Said, taking the comic jovially. I put it in my utility backpack.

"The sound of genuine happiness annoys me," muttered Harry, walking forward. "Diabolus Astronomica!"

A trio of demonic astronauts approached him. "Seek out Voldemort," he told them, "and bring me the house-elf."


	13. CH13: Viower Xcretion part 1

**AN: we now move from our heroes to focus on the astronauts.**

 **WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMELY SCARY! VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.**

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The Astronauts flew through the skies, and eventually, discovered a lair. Out hapless heroes had no clue where said lair was, as demonic astronauts are not microchipped.

Upon infiltrating the lair, they saw Dobby, caged up like a wild animal. They also saw Draco, who was had in bondage. Unfortunately, it was not Voldemort who was there, but rather, it was Wormtail.

"G-g-GETAWAYFROMME YOU MONSTERS!" screamed Wormtail like the dirty coward he was.

The astronauts did not listen, for they answered only to their summoner. Two of them freed the whimpering, caged up Dobby while the third astronaut retrieved Dobby's groinsaw. Suddenly, Wormtail whipped out his wand.

"CRUCIO!" he half-stammered-half-shouted.

The spell hit the third astronaut, who fell on the floor in agony, releasing the groinsaw into the air. The second astronaut caught it, and gave it to Dobby, who mounted the groinsaw onto his groin. He revved the groinsaw up, and he, alongside the astronauts, corned Wormtail. Dobby proceeded to kill Wormtail.


	14. CH14: Ron

**AN: Ron is based off the 30 R's version.**

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Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from Wormtail's ruined skull. Just then, Enoby apparated into the room. She approached Dobby threateningly.

"WAT DID U DO 2 DARKO?!" she yelled.

"Dobby doesn't know sir" stammered Dobby.

"Where the fuck is Dobby?" said a separate voice from outside. Suddenly, a humanoid figure with a groinsaw approached the broken door. It was...Ron Weasley.

Ronn had on a black jacket, a red and orange striped shirt, blue jeans, and black converses. Enoby, upon seeing his mighty groinsaw, got scared, freed Draco, and the two flew off on a broomstick.

But Dobby was brave, and instead went to confront Ron.

"Dobby must punish Wheezy most grievously for opposing Harry," stated Dobby.

"You are pathetic," said Ron. He pushed the astronauts aside with his bare hands, and grabbed Dobby by the collar of his ratty bodycloth. He then threw him out the window.

Dobby hurtled towards the ground. Upon crash-landing, he looked up and saw a Death Eater, standing above him. Dobby, upon seeing this wretched excuse for both a human benig and an expendable mook, stabbed the poor bastard with his groinsaw, and let 'im rip.

Just then, the two living astronauts jumped down to where Dobby was from the window. "Alright buddy, you're coming with us," said the first astronaut in a kind but demonic voice as he picked up Dobby. They proceeded to leave the area.


	15. CH15: Y CUDNT SATAN MAK ME LESS BEUTIFUL

**AN: Yes, Harry's a Slytherin in this story. This is a "Dark Lord Potter" type universe anyway.**

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I was in the middle of reading the graphic novel Gary got me when the astronauts returned with Dobby. Although he had extremely difficulty expressing it, Harry was clearly very happy to have his friend back.

"Dobby misses master sir" said Dobby, crying tears of joy whilst hugging Harry.

"No problem," responded Harry.

"Sir, one of our kind was killed in the process," said the first astronaut.

"I Don't give a shit," snapped Harry, "I have Dobby. You may now go back to Hell."

"Affirmative," said the second astronaut. The astronauts then flew off. Gary and Harry went their separate ways. I went off with Gary to the Slytherin dungeon. Unfortunately, what we saw when we got there was deeply embarassing to watch.

Enoby was crying. Draco was taking off his clothes. He was quite skinny, and had an average-sized, lopsided pickle.

"ITZ SO UNFARE!" yelled Enoby, "Y CANT I BE UGLY R PLANE LYK ALL DA UDDER GRILZ AN PREPZ HER XCEP 4 B'LOODY MARY, BCUZ SHEZ NOT UGLY R ANYFIN!"

Gary walked up to Draco. "Draco, Why are you naked?," he asked questioningly.

"Why the fuck would I tell you, MUDBLOOD?," snapped Draco. Gary suddenly entered a terrifying state of calm and anger.

"Call me that ONE MORE TIME, and I will use that one curse I invented on you," stated Gary.

I wasn't shocked by this. Most of the Slytherins I knew (sans Gary and Harry) were pureblood-supremacists anyway.

"I wish Harry were here," I interjected.

"Me too," said Gary.

"WHY COULDN'T SATAN HAVE MADE ME LESS BEAUTIFUL" screamed Enoby unexpectedly, "IM GUD AT 2 MANY FINGS! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMEL? ITZ A FUKING CURSE!"

Then she ran off.


End file.
